New And Improved
Back to the question about Freedom at Point Zero. Do I have it, and did I ever achieve it…or was I just waxing poetic about the process of rebuilding a life wrecked by collective American greed? Would I simply wait here for the next bus to economic recoveryville, and jump on with gay amnesia, licking my chops at the prospect of achieving legitimacy, and resuming a life of “normal” American pursuits?
In fact, on paper, things have gotten worse over the last several months, but another truth is that the process of becoming free has gradually deepened, as I let go into possibility. It is incredible that I have made it through this entire recession having never been eligible for social aid of any kind, but it is also a spiritual lesson to recognize that I have never truly been at the edge of my capability to survive. My basic wellbeing has never been threatened the way an average man’s wellbeing might be threatened daily in say, Calcutta. This fact provides for me, a basic space in which freedom can reside.
Coming into the new year, I have a part-time job that is only barely meeting my financial overhead, and still I feel quite fortunate. I have applied to two graduate school paths, and have committed to continue here in Sacramento, building my life from the inside out. I am focusing my energy, reinventing myself, and reimagining my next career. This is not the first time I have undertaken this process…but it’s the first time that everything is on the table.
So, the freedom is all in my head. That’s what I told my friend Lary, when he asked me how the FAPZ was hangin’. Being debt free is a kind of liberation that cannot be fully described, and in the refractory period, one can get a great deal of mileage out of being a scavenger and a miser. Really, after years of sheepish consumerism, keeping life materially simple is a reward unto itself, and I have become quite clear that I would like to keep my monthly living expenses as low as humanly possible, like, forever. My vision for doing this even includes going carless, and utilizing my fleet of bicycles to get me everywhere, and accomplish everything. I have embraced this life before, and in fact, it is something that I have been eagerly anticipating for months.
I have been doing Kundalini yoga since last June, and have found myself opening up new heart space - A space of simple contentment. It’s a raw awareness of passion that arises, and an embracing of renunciation. It’s so ironic to be feeling contentment amidst what can accurately be described as an unraveling, but in fact, the unraveling is a catalyst for letting go. It feels like love. I have reached a kind of contentment with being single, without kids and all the trappings of middle class existence, contentment with being in flux in my career-life, facing intense uncertainty in my immediate future, and for extended periods…I have achieved contentment with the moment, just the way it is, unencumbered by my desires.
Not that I don’t have any desires…I have been really desiring bike gear lately – really into my bicycles, building my stable as I prepare to divorce my car (and use the cash to buttress my bank account.) I’ve generally been gathering my outdoor gear for a Spring and Summer full of cycling and backpacking adventures. I have been obsessed it’s true, with preparing, and pursuing adventure, and I think it’s a symbolic recoil, a bursting forth into new freedom consciousness. I feel passionately committed to a continued life of adventure, in a way that I don’t think could have happened before.
A big part of cutting myself loose has been renunciation of the subtle dependencies that I think have colored my life for most of my adulthood. In the last several months, I have quit consuming any kind of fast-food, which had remained an odd self-soothing habit of mine, incongruent with my core values for quite some time. I have severely restricted my intake of refined sugar, and I also quit drinking coffee, or any other form of caffeine, which helped me to quit the off-and-on one-cigarette-per-day habit that accompanied my coffee. Several months ago, I chose a path of renunciation - of all forms of intoxication for an indefinite period. That period turned out to be six months, at the end of which, I decided to soften my ascetic desire for extreme health.
But it was very instructive, to feel into bare aliveness, without reaching for anything outside of myself - to abstain from the relief of separating from my experience. For years now, my buddhist practice has shown me how to soothe myself by staying engaged, and healing my heart. It's an unfolding process to be sure. It’s fascinating the way that our culture supports and even facilitates a numbing of one’s mind, body, and soul, through various escapes and crutches, dependencies and distractions. These reside at the core of our consumption-life, and gaining the upper-hand with them is clearly the only path to Freedom that I can see as truly reliable. This also seems to be the only clear path to sustainable living, which by definition, honors the Gaia – the living, breathing organism of which we are a part. I don't think there is any healing of the heart without embracing the Gaia. These are not new ideas, and there are far more radical, committed people on this path than I. But this is clearly my path…I want to break the code, buck the system, and live new and improved - from a place of uncommon rebuttal to the assumptions that I was born into.
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