A Bigger Cage - Part Two

One thing I am discovering as I step out onto this path (blogging,) is that my intention to "set up" my premise for the reader, is potentially over-intellectual. It is at least indulgent, possibly born of insecurity, but also possibly very helpful to the reader ( He laughs out loud.) Either way, I aspire to speak from the heart, about what I know and what I feel, as I am making lists in my head like a diligent Buddhist. In terms of validating the premise of this blog…They say the chase is better than the catch, right?

This first installment - A Bigger Cage - is really feeling like this is all about identities. In preparing to expand that as an idea, what quickly comes forward for me is a three-pronged set of questions, and possibly dilemmas; that of gender roles, that of soulful living, and that of legitimacy.

Clearly the last four decades have ushered in a period of deep revision for gender roles, coupling a changing career landscape for both men and women. With new demands, as well as new possibilities at home, in relationship with lover, family, and community, this new cultural dynamic is a combination of unfamiliar freedoms and responsibilities – Forcing some changes in our understanding of basic ideas like success and legitimacy, fulfillment, and self-expression. The degree to which we choose to engage these dilemmas, and allow our truest expression of self, is the extent to which we are living soulfully.

With regard to identities, it is just so damn easy to bump into them. They are inescapable, and on some level, necessary it seems like. They surround us and demand our emotional energy - box us in, and then require constant revision like some kind of pugnacious imaginary friend. But they also allow us to formulate a coherent response to our circumstances and experiences, without reinventing the wheel every time. But alas, subscription to these identities can be cumbersome, because then the identity we take on is potentially inaccurate or inadequate. For example, a creative barrier for me in terms of writing this blog, is the fact that I have no "credentials." I am not a Reverend, or a psychologist, or even a movie star that has been through rehab.

However, I do know myself well, and I know what a cage looks like. Right now, that is good enough for me.

Maybe we all feel like we are living in a cage? Men and women – like that couple in the film “Revolutionary Road.” Some in my current social circle exist in that realm, and some do not. It's so subtle that it creeps up on even the most awakened of us, and subtlety invites an ongoing practice of gradual awakening. The image of a bigger cage is really an invitation and a manifesto. We can ask our lives for a bigger cage. Maybe we need to demand a bigger cage, or even build it without asking. Don't take out any permits, or call your wives for permission. We have to start somewhere.

I credit Men's work with helping me to make the cage bigger, by teaching me that I am responsible for the condition of my cage, and that my cage is a reflection of what is going on side of me. My cage can be exactly what I want it to be. I also credit men's work with teaching me how to nurture sincere, substantial, and satisfying friendships with other men.

I have been a practicing Buddhist for some years. It's safe to say I'm something of a feminist, and by extension, a pacifist really. Where the quest for legitimacy is concerned, pacifism definitely qualifies as nonconformist, and in fact, true pacifism is a pretty radical proposition. The truth is that values like pacifism are regularly challenged in American culture, and set aside rather quickly as the situation warrants.

I had a Christian friend back when I was one myself – and he used to say that Jesus was a pretty radical fellow for his time. Clearly that is the case, and it gets back to what I mentioned in part one about how the true visionaries historically have bucked the system and dispensed with their need for legitimacy. Especially since our culture does not widely endorse the idea of pacifism. If one is seeking legitimacy in that realm, well then brother, one has got some work cut out. Survival is a form of seeking legitimacy, I would argue. And survival, in all of it’s many forms, is hard-wired.

When I was a kid, some friends and I were bored on a Friday night - it was springtime, and there were bugs everywhere. We had found a black widow in the garage, and then a praying mantis earlier out in the yard. We decided to have our own version of UFC cage fighting with these critters. We placed them both in the same jar, and began ferociously cheering and yelling in anticipation of a nice juicy brawl, insect-style. But the little fellers didn't fight right off - they just sat there looking at each other. finally one of us began to shake the jar in frustration, and poke them each with a stick. What a strange experience for a bug to have? To be placed into this desperate and surreal situation. Do bugs experience surreal?

Anyway, they finally had no choice but to defend themselves and their "honor" or something. Maybe they just became so agitated that their biological fear-responses kicked in. Survival is hard-wired. Well, it was not long before the praying mantis was tearing those little black legs out of the black widow's body like they were little strips of bacon. It was a crushing victory, and awesome to watch, like something on PBS. But it was short-lived. One of my friends - whose garage we were standing in - had grown rather partial to the black widow, and decided that the grand prize for mantis winning this match was going to be DEATH. He grabbed his dad's little propane torch, fired it up, and submerged the blue orange flame into the jar, live-roasting the praying mantis in just a few seconds, but continuing for a minute or two, just to be sure. There was cheering and yelling by all of us boys - none older than 12 at that time. The seeds of our crude masculinity had taken purchase in fertile soil.

There is a difference between the masculine that feels compelled to defend his honor, and the masculine that recognizes the power of functioning from a higher place - By nurturing a solution, offering a strong repose in the face of confrontation, and choosing to diffuse that confrontation with the love of true presence. Bugs would probably call that bullshit, although those bugs were trying in the beginning - not that they were both men - who knows? I recall that the black widow was probably female, because the males usually have yellow and red bands and spots on their backs, and there were none. Who knows about the praying mantis. How could I remember?

And who knows about honor? What a strong projection that is, to imagine that there would be some vulnerable ego for a spider or beautiful insect, to retain one's sense of legitimate self. The John Wayne spider meets the Clint Eastwood praying mantis. Maybe so. This primitive impulse downloaded into our software via both nature and nurture, but mostly nurture - which really means our socialization. Just a footnote that I don't think honor is the same thing as integrity - Honor is an archetype.

The scary part is that we boys made them fight, because we wanted to see a fight. Sure, in nature's wild kingdom, they probably would eat each other for lunch anyway...toot sweet. The point is that we injected confrontation into the situation, and indeed, reveled in it. We embraced the competition, and screamed for the gooey insect blood to be shed.

I am convinced that this experience for me was part of an unconscious conflict, born of rejecting the masculine model that I was given by my culture, and at the same time hanging onto it for lack of something more genuine. There is no pointing fingers here - I bought into the impulse. I took the bait and swam with the hook in my mouth.

Some of us grow up knowing what a hook smells like, and the truth of who we are. Some of us don't.

At some point, 20 years later, I was walking the earth with my crooked-headed, softened gaze, trying so hard to be Mr. New-Age Nice Guy, and wondering why all the women wanted from me was friendship. I had over-corrected, and the quest for legitimacy was well under way. I had embraced the reluctant masculinity...not the feminine, but this kind of half-baked trojan-horse masculinity, trying to "sneak inside the compound" by seducing the women in my life with sweet, poetic sensitivity. I espoused the evils of football and my love of pretty things, and would have claimed that my farts smelled like daffodils in order to get laid, if not for the contrary evidence.

In my folly, I advocated against the masculine – against the classic masculine that was given to me. I don’t feel like I was wrong to reject the “John Wayne” version of manhood, but I understand now that it was kind of silly to create an identity out my opposition to it. But that is what we do sometimes.

And it’s kind of like the fear of creating. It's always about something else.

What is most important is that all of our experiences shape who we are today, and that is powerful shit if we are willing to own it. My intention is to shine my light, and brighten the corners with some inquiry and exploration.